Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Randomize