Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
