Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
