Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
