life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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