Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
