I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I cut my penus on the lid.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
