my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize