My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
