oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Randomize
