This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
