WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
