yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I am midnight drunk by noon
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
