i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
