You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
