By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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