You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
