If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
