Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
