Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
