it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
