My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
