I could make wine with my vomit
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
