we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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