i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
