Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
