sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Randomize
