so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
