I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
