no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
