Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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