shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
