i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
