last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
