the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
