Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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