dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
