so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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