meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
