my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
