No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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