i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
She's like a pop up book from hell.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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