Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
