In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
