Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
