so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize