When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
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