Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize