if i can run in heels then i can drive
our cab driver is having phone sex.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
