My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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