I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
