I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
