mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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