He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
