I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Randomize
