just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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