dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
You have to summon your inner elephant
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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