Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i just sent this text using only my big toe
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
