you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Randomize
