Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize