also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
