Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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