I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
