My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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